"'Dear Kelsey, Lenora, Josie, and Madalene, will you please join us for tea Saturday afternoon at 4 o'clock?' signed Pearl, Kim, Berkeley, Lydia, Tamsen, and Micale," Lenora reads.

"Ewww! Tea!" whines Josie.

"Tea?" Madalene asks. "They send a written invitation to have us over for a glass of tea? Big woop!"

"It is a very high honor to be invited to an Asian tea ceremony," Lenora scolds. "Every single action of guests and hosts follows very strict rules of etiquette."

Kelsey gently rests a hand on Lenora's shoulder and says, "I'm certain Pearl is well aware of her guests' unfamiliarity with the ritual."

"Of course. However, I feel it would show the proper respect if we arrived with at least some knowledge of the ceremony," Lenora argues. She uses her computer to look up information on tea ceremonies, prints out two copies, each at least a hundred pages, and hands them to Josie and Madalene.

"Uh, thanks," Josie says, as if being presented with a used litterpan.

"Yeah," Madalene reluctantly concurs, her armature straining against the heavy load. The two novices retreat to their shared room. Seconds later, their recyclable papers bin takes on the appearance it typically displays only the night before a semester-long research project is due. The window makes a convenient exit, and the two slackers are soon feeding coins into arcade games. Josie is a mere 100 points away from the all-time high score when a hand clamps down on her arm and jerks her away.

"Hey!" she cries indignantly.

"I believe you have some studying to do," says Lenora. Without releasing her grip on Josie, she abducts Madalene in a similar manner.

"What are you doing, Lenora?" Madalene demands. "Let me go!"

"Oh, you're going, alright! Back home to read that which you so carelessly tossed into the recycling bin. Do I need to call Mallory?"

Fear fills four Real Eyes. "Alright, alright already!" Josie huffs.

Still, Lenora does not loosen her grip until she drags them into their room. She hands them the printouts she rescued, and does a quick-draw from her pocket.

"No! Don't shoot!" Madalene cries in mock terror, cowering with her arms raised. She and Madalene double over with laughter.

Lenora rolls her eyes, flips open her cell shooter, and says, "Now, am I going to have to call Mallory?"

Two heads of B hair move from side to side. Lenora leans her back against the wall, and folds her arms across her new Orange Butterfly sweater.

"What?" asks Josie. "We said we'd do it!"

"And I'm going to stay right here to make sure you do," Lenora says matter-of-factly, demonstrating why she's an honors student, while they are lucky to pass at all.

Madalene groans. "Come ON, Lenora! I mean, isn't there a Cliff's Notes or something?"

The ultra-refined Kelsey enters the room. "Perhaps something interactive would be more fruitful," she says in her soft, soothing voice.

Josie leaps at the out. "Yeah! Yeah! Like a video game."

Even Kelsey struggles to retain her composure. "Well, no, that's not what I meant. A rehearsal, so to speak."

"Hollywood, here I come!" says Madalene, who would have agreed to anything to get out of her assigned task. Soon she wishes she had found another way, like popping her eyeballs out of their sockets with a red-hot poker.

"First, let's practice bowing," Kelsey says, demonstrating. "Now, you try, Josie."

"Piece of cake!" says Josie. She attempts to emulate Kelsey, bending at the hips. Halfway down, she overbalances, and hits her head on the floor with a 'thud'. Madalene doubles over with laughter, and likewise goes off-center. Both students now have their foreheads pressed to the floor. Grasping the opportunity, Lenora uses her cell phone to snap a quick photograph of the scene for possible future extortion.

By the time Josie and Madalene master the art of bowing, their thighs are beginning to melt. Both are profoundly grateful when they are permitted to sit on the floor for the next lessons. They add such exotic words as 'chawan', the all-important tea bowl, and "fukusa", the cloth, to their vocabularies. When the implements are passed around for inspection after the ritual cleaning, Madalene says, "I think you missed a spot." It's all Lenora can do to refrain from giving Madalene a boiled water permanent wave right where she sits. Kelsey spoons tea powder into a chawan, ladles boiled water from a pot, and stirs the mixture with a whisk. "What are you doing?" Josie shrieks. "I thought we were having tea, not mudpies! Where the heck are the tea bags?"

"You're going to strain that, right?" Madalene asks. In answer, Kelsey hands her the chawan. "Ugh, no way. I am NOT drinking sludge!"

"Don't you care about our friends' feelings? You don't want to insult Pearl and the others," says Kelsey.

"DRINK!" barks Lenora, making it clear that the only other option is immediate and painful death.

Madalene cautiously takes a sip, and spews tea into Josie's curious face. "That's IT! I cannot do this, Lenora. Go ahead and kill me!"

Lenora whips out her cell phone and shows Madalene the photograph she snapped while she and Josie were in a very humiliating position, their foreheads nailed to the floor. "Shall I post this on the school web site?"

Death is one thing, but utter humiliation is something altogether different. Madalene chokes down the tea, and passes the cup to Josie. Josie, determined to get it right the first time, takes a sip. "This would be easier if there was something to eat," she says, trying not to choke. "Doesn't tea usually come with, I don't know, like, cucumber sandwiches or something?"

Lenora grins, and says, "Oh, sure, probably suishi."

Josie's A40 eyes roll back in her head. "RAW FISH!!!" Madalene joins her in groaning. But with the threat of the embarrassing photograph hanging over them, they would agree to eat cat food. When Kelsey treats them to dinner at a suishi bar, they yearn for a bowl of Tender Vittles to replace the cold rice, seaweed, and raw fish set before them.

After the novices make several attempts to use chopsticks, each time making the utensils look like splayed chicken legs, Kelsey says, "I don't believe it would be an insult to eat with your fingers."

"Just don't lick them!" Lenora adds.

Later, Madalene and Josie fall into bed, quite exhausted, their stomachs churning throughout the night. Their roommates let them sleep in, waking them just in time to change into their borrowed kimono. Like a parade of geisha, they walk the short distance to the house Pearl and their other friends share. As instructed by Kelsey, the four wait in the front garden for their hostess to summon them.

"What are you doing out here?" a jeans-clad Pearl asks, emerging through the front door. "Um, nice kimono," she adds. "Come inside, Kim just finished making the cucumber sandwiches."