Attack of The Rampaging Vampire type.

ATTACK OF THE RAMPAGING TYPE VAMPIRE.

The scene: Ye olde decrepit castle, inherited from a long dead and smelly relative. In a country far far away.......

Our heroine, one non-descript female type female of infinite jest and negligible circular cross section, replete in floor length nightie, fluffy mules, much done up hair and green mud pack, is all dressed for bed. In the distance a wolf makes its nightly contribution Hoooooooowwwwwwllllll.
Dark clouds, flapping bats, lightning, all the elements of ye olde gothic horror. Our heroine, busy making a cheese, tuna and peanut butter sarmie in the kitchen almost swoons as suddenly the lights go out.

"Click"

"Drat, next time I will pay the bill" she exclaims, reaching for a handy candleabrum and bic lighter. Bravely clutching her snack she begins the long climb up the stairs to her bedroom. Tripping a few times she finally makes it and with a creak of the door she enters her room. In the center, a large four poster bed, complete with fringe, menacing gargoyles and fluffy animals. Throwing her wrap off she hops into bed, almost setting fire to the fringe in the process. With a sigh she quickly guzzles her sarmie before blowing out the candles and settling down to a deep sleep and dreams of a shop where they have a huge variety of thigh high boots and she has a credit card with unlimited credit while the hordes of adoring males have to fetch and carry while she tries each pair on!
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzZZZZZZzzzZZzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzz

Meantime, in the basement, a coffin lid opens creeeeaaakkkkk. The villain of the piece emerges. Count von Grosskipper, the scourge of hot blooded women everywhere, also know as "Him who has a dental problem and who haunts the blood bank". He yawns and stretches then reaches over to a large glass and hauls out his false choppers and pops them in his mouth "Blod!" he exclaims,
" blod! blod! BLOD!!!"
His keen nose smells blod.. er... blood, "Zo, ze castle has ze new countess, I vill go scare the villies out of her und make her poep in her panties." With a poof he disappears in a cloud of smoke, re-appearing in the washing machine, fridge, bathroom and finally the passage outside her door. "Hmmmm, I veesh they vould stop moving things around..." He touches the handle of the door (HOOOOWWWWWLLLLL) and with a creak it swings open, revealing our lilly white heroine stretched out in all her glory. "Blod!" he whispers.
He glides towards her, falling over a pair of thigh high boots. "!#$@#$#$#^%$%*% boots, verever she goes she takes the #$@#$#$#^%$%*% things vith her!" Picking himself up he leans over our heroine, drool running down his 300 year old chin. "blod!"

He is just about to give her the mother of all love bites when she wakes up, "eek! eek! eek!" she eeks, "what kind of a vampire are you anyway?????"
Our villian is taken aback

"I am Count von Grosskipper,

Ze scourge of 1000 vomen, eater of blod und pizza, vatcher of bad horror movies, torturer of 1000 virgins, sufferer of broken bones caused by 1000 virgins!!"

"Well!!!!," she exclaims, "I will have none of that scourging and torturing here, I run a respectable household, you have left dirty footprints all over the carpet and look at the mess you have made to my bed, what have you done to my boots? when last did you floss???"
"blod! blod! BLOD!!!"
"Oh and the word is BLOOD!!! not blod! What kind of a second rate vampire are you?????? when last did you wash that cape? and have you cleaned that dirt off your coffin?? and why the cape, are you wierd???? and stop touching me eeeuuugghhh!! when are you going to get a new shirt, have you tried soap...... and what about.....!!!!!!!"
" I am ze Count! How dare you speak to me like zat!"
"A count huh??? we-ell bring your wallet, let me count whats' inside of it"

It was the start of a beautiful relationship, and the story gets very messy after this. Suffice to say, our villan and heroine settled down and had many little vampires, she is a full time gothic novelist and makes tomato sauce and tomato jam in her spare time, he has become a consultant to a major tomato cannery and they all lived happily ever after.......

No animals were injured during the making of this bad story.