The South African Government has not been put off by their failure to secure Cape Town as the host city for the 2004 Olympic games. They have decided to start early in their bid for the next games to be held in 2008.
In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the Games in the year 2008, the organizers of Cape Town's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in the burnt out shell of a mini bus taxi, situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS
Due to the deprivation experienced under Apartheid, South African athletes / competitors have not been particularly successful in previous Olympic Games. In order to redress this imbalance, to the advantage of local athletes, and to prevent a boycott by COSATU, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of our less privileged, New South African athletes.

1. 100 METRES SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a TV set ( One under each arm ) and at the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 metres behind the athletes. The first three competitors to cross the finishing line without having been arrested will receive the video recorder and TV set as prizes in lieu of medals.
2. 100 METRE HURDLES Competitors will be required to overcome hurdles more in line with their inherent nature, such as car bonnets, garden gates, vibra-crete walls, duck ponds, barbed wire fences, flower beds and police cordons.
3. HAMMER THROW Competitors will be supplied with sledge hammers kindly donated by Federated Timbers. Within a 3 minute time limit, as many hammers as possible must be thrown into the grandstands. The athlete who causes the most grievous bodily harm to the spectators in said grandstand will be declared the winner.
4. FENCING Due to the lack of consensus on which traditional weapons are relevant to this event, the entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen property as they can, to pawn shops on site, created for the purpose by the RDP Job Creation Programme. Extra points will be awarded to entrants who find and use fences planted by the S.A.P in the surrounding spectator grandstands.
5. SHOOTING A strong challenge is expected from our local athletes in this event, as the entire team has been carefully selected from PAGAD and Taxi Association members. Targets to be hit by the entrants include a moving police van, a post office clerk, a bank teller and a security guard.
6. BOXING Entry to this event will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on the Saturday evening at 11:00 p.m. outside the stadium pub. The husband will be given 15 glasses of cheap wine, to be consumed whilst the wife harasses him. The bout will then begin and the couple who hurl the most swings at the S.A.P members called in to restore law and order, will win the event.
7. CYCLING Competitors in the preliminary trials, will be asked to break into the University of Cape Town’s residence bike shed, to steal an expensive mountain bike owned by a mommy’s boy from the country, on his first trip away from home, and to race it through various police road blocks to the finishing line. The final event will be similar, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian Rugby team, who will witness the theft.
8. PENTATHLON This event has been amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, joy-riding in a stolen vehicle , driveby shooting, flashing in the park and arson. The contestants will mug a spectator for the cash to get a taxi to the nearest bike shop, where they will break into and enter the premises. They will ride the stolen bike to the closest parking lot where they will steal a vehicle and go for a joy ride through the neighbouring squatters camp and survive a driveby shooting before heading for the park. Here they will desert the car and flash at 3 spectators of their choice before setting fire to any building in the vicinity that grips there fancy. The first competitor with a fire raging out of control wins the event.
9. SWIMMING Competitors will be abducted by the Chinese Perlemoen Smuggling Mafia, who will take them out to sea and throw them overboard. The first three survivors to reach shore will receive enough poached perlemoen to cover all medical expenses.
10. MEN’S 50 KM WALK This event is sponsored by the Department of sanitation. Entrants will be issued with sharp sticks and garbage bags and will follow a course through downtown Cape Town. The entrant who reaches the finish line with the most full garbage bags will be declared the winner.
11. THE MARATHON This event has been cancelled as the police refuse to guarantee the safety of any foreigner stupid enough to walk the city streets.

Entertainment will include the following items:-

• "Rave" dancing by the "Save Table Mountain Group".
• Synchronized stone throwing by the PAGAD Youth Movement.
• Formation "tyre burning" by the Winnie Mandela Soccer Club.
• A live encounter between IFP and ANC supporters especially flown in from Kwazulu-Natal.
• A "Madiba" dance by members of parliament in flowered shirts.

The Olympic flame will be extinguished by the staff of the Department of Tourism, who will drop water-filled condoms onto it from the top floor of the flats next to the stadium. The Minister of Housing will then blow a whistle throwing the whole Olympic complex open to illegal sqatters on a first come, first served basis.