The room was at the end of the corridor, a sign stuck to the wall.

An innocuous wooden door stood at the end of the passage.
He knocked.

"ENTER!"
Gingerly he opened the door.
"Come in, hand your letter of introduction to the secretary at the door."
A woman sat filing her nails at a desk by the door, dressed in grey with her hair in a bun and with severe horn rimmed glasses, she barely glanced at him as he handed her his letter of introduction. She glanced at it, threw it in the dustbin and continued filing her nails.
"Come closer and sit on the chair." The voice came from a long table which was half hidden in the gloom. He sat down on a small upright wooden chair, a bright light went on, blinding him with its glare.
"We have taken cognisance of your application but feel it is neccessary to ask a few questions." a calm female voice came from a shadowy figure at the centre of the table. She was flanked by similar figures on either side of her. The smell of coffee and chocolate was very strong. He gulped uncertainly,
"I saw your ad at singles.com and wanted to introduce myself."
"Enough! we ask the questions here! How many women have you dated before??"
"er... um..."
"I ASKED HOW MANY????????"
"er.... 1?"
"Where are they now?? dead?? broken hearted? in an institution???? ANSWER ME!!!!!"
"She is happily married and living in the flat down the road with her new husband."
"Brunhilda, have you got the truth serum????"
"Jawolh! I hef got ze suppository version...." The voice was female, and equally full of menace and in a very bad German accent.
Another female voiced spoke, "Do you feel competent enough to be able to look after, cherish, protect and be a proper mate to a woman?"
"Um.. er.... well I...."
"Not good enough!!!!!"
He became aware of somebody behind him, he could hear the click of her heels, the rustle of her dress and a wiff of perfume.
"Can you jump through fire hoops???"
"You must be joking.... "
"JOKING??? ME????? Taking on a woman as a partner is a big responsiblity!!!!! there will be no more wannabe's or hasbeens calling themselves men allowed!!! This is serious stuff! we have had enough of being abused!!!!!"

"But, but, but how do I get to find a suitable partner then?"
"You don't "find a partner"" she sneered, "we might condescend to you speaking to a potential one, it is up to her if she will even talk to you.... Hullo!!!! where have you been this past lifetime???? On Mars???" She rapped on his head with her fist "Is there anybody in there???"

The secretary which was at the door came forward and handed him a huge ream of papers.
"Fill out this questionairre (in triplicate), answer questions 1-9 in essay format, then do the multiple choice which are 10-54, and then you must complete the essay. You must also go for a blood and urine test, submit certified copies of your birth certificate, complete an avidavit at the police, provide 3 character witnesses and go for a polygraph. Once you have completed that we will consider your application. If you then pass you will be sent to do a course in female care and female treatment. Don't call us, we will call you."
A trapdoor opened underneath the chair and the man disappeared in a flurry of arms, legs and papers.....

"That was fun can we do it again???"
"Yes! there are 16 more wannabes to go and no-one has passed the test yet!"
"The next one replied to your ad "How about you and me behind the tennis courts?""
"Ha! this should be good."
There was a knock at the door, "Turn down the lights, show him in.... Ok girls, composure... lets make this one really really squirm. Get the executioners axe out from under the bed"

No males were injured during the making of this bad story.
_{© DRW 1998}